Welcome to the World of Elisha

New Coaster at Work

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Good Morning!!

I'm having a great breakfast....blueberry muffin and a Dr. Pepper Icee :)

I ordered wedding invitations yesterday and bought the little girls' tiaras.  I had a little panic attack yesterday thinking that I'll only get paid one more time before the wedding (I get paid monthly) but a couple hours later realized I get paid two more so thats awesome.  I'll have to still cut back on my normal spending but I should be totally fine with being able to pay for everything wedding related.   I really can't believe it's only 65 days away.  Time really flies.  I mean, we've been engaged for almost eight months...thats just so unreal to me.

Brett's birthday is coming up this month.  I have no clue what to get him.  He's been talking about wanting a new office desk and chair...but I'm not going to spend that much money.   Maybe I'll just give him so money to put towards that stuff...but how boring would that be?! Ugh, I dunno.  Maybe I'll just get him a bunch of organizer thingys for that tool box I got him for Christmas.  Ahh! I dont know!

I have zero work to do today.  It's kinda nice but makes for a long day.  Maybe I'll take a walk to a couple gift shops on campus and see if I can find something cute for Brett's neice's 1st birthday. 

We have a wedding to go to next weekend and a squadron camping trip the following weekend.  Ugh, I hate camping.  I think I'll be sick that day ;)

We had a little barbeque for some of Brett's workers this weekend and I was showing one of the girls my wedding stuff and she was like "oh, look at your wizard of oz flowers too!"...it took me a minute to figure out what she was saying but omg blue and yellow are wizard of oz colors! I wasn't even thinking about that! Oh! And! They're U.S. Navy colors! I really just picked the blue because I loved it and the yellow because they look nice together and will really show up nicely in the chapel.  How cool is that!? 

So...I hope you all have a great 4th!  God Bless America!

What's your favorite Michael Jackson song? Bonus points if you share the video.

IM SO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON!! 

It wasn't my best friend, my family, my aquaintance or a co-worker that made my spirits lift.  It was a complete stranger.  She'd didn't say anything life changing or anything that I've never heard before.  It was just kind words that made me realize that I'm not alone and my thoughts and actions are nothing out of the ordinary.  She understands what I'm going through as I do her.

Thank you for your message.  You're always in my thoughts and prayers.  You truly are an amazing person who just seemed to come to me out of nowhere today in my time of need. 

Maybe someone is looking out for me after all....

I should probably make this post visible to only me, but whatever. 

I starting my fucking period today....LATE! Why did it have to be late? Why did I have to be fooled? Why is this shit happening to me? Why can't I just have a baby with the man I love more than anything in this world? Why would he even still want to marry me? I'm incapable of doing what I was put on this earth to do.  Sure it's only been 2 months of clomid...sure people try to way longer but still.  We have been together for 2 years with never having protected sex....2 years of failure.  It's so frustrating and emotionally draining.  I feel like this huge failure.  This was the first month that Brett was informed on how I was feeling and that I was late and my temperature was high and blah blah.  He either sensed something was wrong or saw the tampon wrapper in the trash and called me first thing this morning to ask how I was feeling.  Here I am crying my eyes out to him and making sure he really wants to marry someeone who may not be able to give him a child.....ever.  He was actually getting excited. He typically doesn't think about things until it's happened, not just about this pregnancy thing, but with everything.  He doesn't get excited about stuff because he hates being let down.  I let him down.  He even went out and bought Tylenol and caffeine free soda yesterday and was asking about names.  I let him down.  I'm such an incompetent failure.  I feel like such a fool for even thinking there was a chance I could be pregnant.  How do you stay positive? Where do you get the strength? Please God just shed some light on the situation.

I left a voicemail for my doctor this morning to let him know that I think I want to hold off on any more treatment until after the wedding.  In the meantime, Brett is going to get himself checked out and make sure all is good there before we invest any more money in this.  Also by then I'll have Tricare so maybe the cost will decrease some. 

Maybe I just need to face the fact that it's not in the cards for me.

I cry every single time I see this video or hear this song.  I'm such a sap

It's almost midnight, i just spent about 5 minutes on the bathroom floor because I thought I was going to throw up.  Maybe I'd feel better if I just puked already!

I admitted to Brett today about all these symptoms I'm having and explained the whole basal temperature thingy and said that he could have gotten me pregnant on my birthday and that would be the best gift ever and his response? LOL..he goes yeah, the most expensive one too.  What a way to kill the moment!

I cannot get my hopes up though! I can't! This has all happened before....well....with less pukey.

On a non pukey note, Brett and I had a fun dinner w/ Kristin and Matt this evening.  On the way home I asked Brett if he liked them ok and he was like yeah definitely and I'm like good because we're probably spending the 4th with them.

So...I guess I'll clean out the DVR since I can't lay down w/out feeling like I'm going to puke on Brett's head.

ok so I'm not officially late yet, but I am on day 29 of my cycle with no signs of a period coming, i do however, have a few pregnancy signs.  But how many times in the last 6 months have you heard  read that? I'm going to wait until Sunday before I take a test. 

I've been browsing around on the Babies R Us website and falling in love.  Seriously, look at this cute ass tub!! and this cute ass dress!!  I have to have them!!  I even went as far as to try to start a registry, but there was an error on the website so I took that as a sign to STOP! ha!

Brett bought Rock Band for PS3 last night.  It was suppose to be something fun for us to do together, but if he isn't good at something right away, he gets discouraged.  He "knows" he cant play guitar because he has "tried" Guitar Hero so he opted for the drums.  He took like 4 tries, didn't get above 50% accuracy and gave up.  It's so damn frustrating! I even said to him in the store right before we got it off the shelf "Are you sure you're going to play this? If not, don't get it.  Look at me in the eyes and tell me you'll play it".  He agreed but when I reminded him of that his response was "I did play".  Whatever! $150 is way too much to pay for a game that will hardly get played.  Side note: I played the drums just fine :)

I'm hungry but pukey at the same time.  Nothing sounds good.  Maybe I'll just go get some fries.

I'm hungry all the time....I am munching on something most of the day.  And I wonder why I'm a fat ass.

Hot here today..like 98 I think...I love the heat but I also love to bitch about being hot.

My basal temperature is doing weird stuff the last day or two...wonder whats up.

I changed my work hours to 8:15-5:15 because I just couldn't get here by 8.  My boss suggested the time change and even though it's only 15 minutes, it does me a world of good.   I get home at about the same time in the evenings because the traffic is a little less leaving campus.

I need to find another family to babysit for since baby George and his parents are moving back home in a couple weeks.  I'm super sad.

I'm going to be married in 81 freaking days...81 freaking days! Thats like less than 100!

So there is a girl at work I've been talking to a lot more, Kristin.  She's a cool chick who just got married last month.  I'm a little scared to make new friends because I'll just be moving in 18 months and I dont want to have a reason to cry when we move.  But at the same time, I have to have freaking friends and Brett is dying to have another couple to do stuff with.  Her husband and Brett seem to have a lot of stuff in common and I hope we all hang out soon.  Maybe we can hit up a baseball game this weekend.

I'm going to have this mass on my neck looked at again tomorrow by a general surgeon.  It was brought up today by one of the anesthesiologists i work with that it could be my lymph nodes.  I wish I could just have a CT scan and figure it out.  Hopefully I'll know next week if I can schedule one or not.

I must part ways w/ you now.
 

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