Hating the World
I should probably make this post visible to only me, but whatever.
I starting my fucking period today....LATE! Why did it have to be late? Why did I have to be fooled? Why is this shit happening to me? Why can't I just have a baby with the man I love more than anything in this world? Why would he even still want to marry me? I'm incapable of doing what I was put on this earth to do. Sure it's only been 2 months of clomid...sure people try to way longer but still. We have been together for 2 years with never having protected sex....2 years of failure. It's so frustrating and emotionally draining. I feel like this huge failure. This was the first month that Brett was informed on how I was feeling and that I was late and my temperature was high and blah blah. He either sensed something was wrong or saw the tampon wrapper in the trash and called me first thing this morning to ask how I was feeling. Here I am crying my eyes out to him and making sure he really wants to marry someeone who may not be able to give him a child.....ever. He was actually getting excited. He typically doesn't think about things until it's happened, not just about this pregnancy thing, but with everything. He doesn't get excited about stuff because he hates being let down. I let him down. He even went out and bought Tylenol and caffeine free soda yesterday and was asking about names. I let him down. I'm such an incompetent failure. I feel like such a fool for even thinking there was a chance I could be pregnant. How do you stay positive? Where do you get the strength? Please God just shed some light on the situation.
I left a voicemail for my doctor this morning to let him know that I think I want to hold off on any more treatment until after the wedding. In the meantime, Brett is going to get himself checked out and make sure all is good there before we invest any more money in this. Also by then I'll have Tricare so maybe the cost will decrease some.
Maybe I just need to face the fact that it's not in the cards for me.
Comments
to me, we're not put on this world JUST to procreate. theres so many other ways to make your contribution to society and to the world. Not everyone has, needs or wants babies. ie. me. to those that DO want them sometimes it takes a challenge to get them and its the best gift in the world.
so call i can say is, just be patient. and if it doesnt happen, theres always adoption. you'll love those kids just as much. i know the whole 'carrying a pregnancy' is what you're looking forward to, but if its this hard just to get preg. maybe it wouldnt be such a fun time carrying it or might not have the best outcome you want...
not to be a debbie downer, but just think about all your options (=
Elisha, you will get your baby and you will be a wonderful mommy. Everything will be o.k. It wasn't very nice of Mother Nature to mess with you like that, but it will happen for you.
You are very,very focused on this and sometimes that seems to be the time it is the hardest to conceive, but one day, you'll probably not think anything of it and then boom, you'll be pregnant.
KC and I tried for six or seven months trying to get pregnant (I know that isn't two years so stop rolling your eyes at me..:-) ). I finally gave up because he was always gone working on hurricane Katrina clean up. I went to visit him, thinking to myself as soon as I have my next period, I am starting on my birth control again, And well, I never had that period because I got pregnant with Westin.
Life likes to surprise you.
It will all work out and Brett wants to marry you because you are freakin' awesome! I mean I'm kind of jealous that he gets to marry you. lol.
Love you lots! Cheer up!
Thanks girls. I'm not giving up, just needed to vent. As for adoption, well, that will never happen because we can't pull 30K out of our asses. There are all these kids out there that need homes yet they make it next to impossible to do so. Of course we're not here just to procreate but my contribution to society is to raise happy beutiful children who will be great members of society to replace some of the dead beat trash who take advantage of welfare and are in/out of prison. I don't care if I have to spend 9 months on bedrest, I will do what I have to do.
How can I not focus on it? I have to have this medicine to ovulate and I have to spend the money on the appointments and the ultrasounds and the medicine. Why spend the money if it's not taken seriously?
I have to close comments now because it's all just making me upset though I appreciate the support, love and good wishes my way.